


On The Fourth Day of Christmas, Azazel Gave To Me (four demon deals)

by Wolfstar4evr



Series: Twelve Days Of Supernatural Christmas [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Could be considered wincest I guess, Crossroads Deals, Dean's in pain, Demon Deals, Hurt/No Comfort, It's all very very angsty, Pain, Sam's in pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-07 17:56:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5465648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfstar4evr/pseuds/Wolfstar4evr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>17th December 2007, and Dean can't help thinking about his deal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On The Fourth Day of Christmas, Azazel Gave To Me (four demon deals)

Sam's crying again.

But that's okay. It's their routine now. The lie in parallel beds, in some no-name motel in some no-name town, and the lie facing each other until Sam is sure Dean is asleep, and then he cries.

Soft, at first. Small sobs breathed into his hand as to not wake his brother. Until it escalates into great wracking sobs that sometimes make the bed shudder with him until he can calm himself down. He cries until he's exhausted, until he can't possibly keep his eyes open anymore and he falls into a fitful and nightmare filled (nightmares of Dean in Hell. Of Dean being tortured, because of _him_ ) sleep.

And Dean listens, never truly asleep. Only pretending, to give his brother as much privacy as one can give while in the next bed. But Jesus, does it hurt, to hear his little brother's cries and not be able to help. He feels the pain of it stabbing through his heart, and sometimes it feels like he can't breathe. Those are the worst nights.

It wasn't meant to be like this. When Dean made the deal, he knows he was selfish. But he couldn't, _wouldn't_ , live in a world without Sam. Just those two days without the kid, without knowing he was safe, without knowing he wasn't hurt was pure torture. When he made the deal, when he agreed to only _one fucking year_ , Sam's reaction didn't matter. How Sam would feel didn't matter. But Sam _did_ matter. Sam had to live. Even if Dean wasn't there to see it, even if Dean was burning in Hell, Sam had to be alive, somewhere, somehow, otherwise what was the point in _anything_?

That is the cycle of Dean's thoughts every night after Sam goes to sleep. He lies there, soaking in the darkness and breathing heavily while he tries not to get up and crawl into bed with his brother, pull him in tight and tell him that everything's going to be okay, that they're both going to be just fine (lying is second nature now, especially about their welfare). But he doesn't. He just lies there, still hearing his brother's cries echo through his head.

And in the morning, neither of them speak about it.

What's the point in talking, anyway? All it would do would make Sam cry again, embarass Sam for crying in the first place, and make Dean flustered and angry and it would probably lead to a fight about how Dean is selfish and Sam is un ungrateful and how much they fucking love each other and don't want to live without the other, and it would end up as the chick flick moment of the century and the thought of it makes Dean want to throw something so there's no way that's happening. So they stay silent. They bottle their emotions. They sit awkwardly while Bobby encourages them (gruffly, but still encouraging them) to talk to each other, or at least to him. Neither of them do, of course. Because they can't talk about this. Can't slash through the raw flesh of this pain any more than they already have just by having this problem in their lives in the first place.

Maybe that's a mistake. Maybe they should talk. Maybe Dean should cry. Maybe Sam should cry with his brother instead of trying to hide it. Maybe Bobby should shout at them until his voice is hoarse and the whisky burns even more than usual on the way down. Maybe Dean should just end it now and save them all the trouble.

No, no, he can't think like that. If Sam is feeling like this at the very _prospect_ of Dean dying in less than a year, then Dean doesn't even want to think about what his _suicide_ would do to his baby brother. He needs to stop those thoughts _now_. Besides, right now he has everything to live for. He has one last chance to experience everything he wants to experience whether it's new or old. He has one last chance to show his brother and Bobby that he _cares_ , that he does love them (without actually saying it, of course). He has one last chance to be happy. One last chance to be sad. One last chance to _mean_ something. 

And that's what hurts the most. The last chances. He can't fathom that this is last year. _Less_ than a year now, in fact. A part of him, deep inside, wants to scream to the high heavens for this to change. Because he does _not_ regret his deal, not at all. He probably would have put a bullet in his brain by now if Sam was still dead, if he hadn't been able to make his deal. He'd be dead too, by now, without a thought, so why is the prospect of dying in a few months so awful? So terrifying? He doesn't regret the deal at all. It's worth it. So worth it.

But why should he have to go to Hell?

 _This is why_ , He tries to remind himself the next night, when Sammy is crying again. _This is why you made this deal. Because, yeah, he's sad. But he's here._

_At least he's still here._


End file.
